This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day….and will reduce overeating !

Breakfast:

1/2 grapefruit

1 slice whole wheat toast

8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:

4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast

l cup steamed spinach

1 cup herb tea

1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:

The rest of Oreos in the package

2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream

1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:

2 loaves garlic bread

4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke

1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza

3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:

Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Rules for this Diet

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy

bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you do not eat

more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate,

brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are

part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and

Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes

calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in

the process of preparing something sweet and gooey.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories…..

Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed

potatoes; pink grapefruit and ham.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other

food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories.  This is due to

gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else’s plate has no calories since the

calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her

plate.   (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

2.   My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don’t know where the hell she is.

3.   The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4.   I joined a health club last year, spent about $400.  Haven’t lost a pound.  Apparently you have to show up.

5.   I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

6.   I don’t exercise at all.  If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

7.   I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8.   I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9.   The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.

11. And last, but not least, I don’t jog – it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

(Source Unknown)

zaftig

zaftig \ ZAHF-tik \ , adjective;
1. Full-bodied; well-proportioned.

Origin: Zaftig is a borrowing from Yiddish, zaftik, literally meaning “juicy.”

To add to this post I Googled up zaftig images and nearly went blind when I looked at the results. I then clicked the “clipart” option and found this to explain my preference for full-figured women:

Sure, the thinner one is attractive, but I still prefer the larger one of the two. It’s not just the physical attraction, but she also appeals to me because I’m constantly on the lookout for a girlfriend who not only fits my definition of a sexy woman, but one that also looks like she could help me put up my air conditioner.

Speaking of looking for women, I went to a bar the other night, saw a cute zaftig type of woman standing by the jukebox. I sidled up next to her and asked

“Hey darlin’, where ya been all my life?”

She slowly looked me over and dryly replied:

“From the looks of you, I wasn’t even alive for the first half.

Customer: On what?
Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?
Clerk: Wow, that’s too hard a question.  The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there’s no difference; it’s all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I’d like some of that $9 paint.
Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions.  When do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow on my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is $200 per gallon.

Customer: What?  When would I have to paint in order to get $9 paint?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You’ve got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don’t kid around here.  Of course, I’ll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn’t mean that we have it.  It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend.  Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

Clerk: Yes sir.  You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change.  Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest you get on with your purchase.  How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don’t know exactly.  Maybe five gallons.  Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no sir, you can’t do that.  If you buy the paint and then don’t use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That’s right.  We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall, and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the other bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all of the paint?  I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there’s no point in getting upset; that’s just the way it is.  We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all of the paint, and when you don’t, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don’t keep painting until Sunday night?
Clerk: Yes sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it!  I am going somewhere else to buy paint!
Clerk: That won’t do you any good, sir.  We all have the same rules. You might as well just buy it here, while the price is now $13.50. Thanks for flying–I mean painting–with our airline.

(Source Unknown But Whoever You Are, Thank You!)

Molly’s incredible story continues to inspire the wounded, sick and bed-ridden even today….if it’s a good time for you to read an uplifting story about guts, attitude and perseverance (and much more!), then I strongly recommend you take a few minutes to learn Molly’s story (and many thanks for sharing a part of your day w/LawBusinessTips.com)

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion  of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol – Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil -  ALIVE!

So the Minister asked the congregation – What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

“As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

That pretty much ended the service.

Excited to prove to his wife his long-held contention that women in general, and his wife in particular, talked too much, he showed her the study results.

The report stated: “Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000.”

His wife thought awhile, then finally she said to her husband, “It’s because we have to repeat everything we say.”

The husband said, “What?”

I can't hear you, Darling....

(Author Unknown…and more than likely a flawed study, right?!?)

A man, quite drunk, at a party signals for the hostess. As she approaches the man he belches, hicks, and asks if her lemons have legs on them. The hostess, astounded, replies curtly that, “no her lemons don’t have legs on them” and walks away in a huff.

Perplexed, the man returns to sipping his drink. A little later he eyes the hostess again. He motions for her to come over to him. Flustered, she walks up to him, asking “what is it this time?” As the man lets out a loud yet controlled hick and belch he asks her again if her lemons have legs on them. She again replies no and storms off.

After another attempt by the drunk man to find out if there’s legs on the lemons the hostess threatens to have him hauled off by the police.

The man, finding an instant of clarity, said in a drunken drawl …..”If you’re sure your lemons don’t have legs on them, then I must’ve squeezed your canary in my drink!”

The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west
longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how
to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

(original source unknown)

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr.  Williams.  I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife,  you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr.  Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.  He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state; not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.  One of them was your wife.  Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney was left in complete shock and at a loss for words.

The judge pounded his gavel  loudly and ordered both counselors to approach the bench pronto.  And, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, I’ll charge you w/contempt of court and throw you in jail so quick you won’t know what hit you!”

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to email and let
you know about the small accident I had with the pick-up truck
when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately, it’s not too bad and
I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the
driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead
of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent, but the pick-up
fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kindhearted personality you will forgive me.

I also know your #1 concern is that I’m okay.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

From Your loving Wife

(Original Source/Author Unknown...but we thank you!)

P.S. YOUR GIRLFRIEND CALLED

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheer. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”  Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom? “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”

But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

You see,” laughed the bartender, ”every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?”

Wag More. Bark less.

Never miss a good opportunity to just shut the heck up!

The bee is such a busy soul…there is no time for birth control.  And that is why in times like these, there are so many Sons of Bees!

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves for they shall be forever amused!

And finally…take time out to play this week in spite of all the legitimate reasons you may have for being too busy…love watching our 4-legged family members at play (see recent post of 2 of our geldings below..they didn’t let a little snow stop them from a fun romp outside)

Have a great week everyone!

With smiles from my neck of the woods to yours,

Nancy