• Make a list of all the things that cause you stress … then cross out all the stresses that you have no control over (e.g. someone’s personality, rush hour traffic, etc.) and start redirecting your energies to things you can do something about. Next, make a mini-action plan for each thing causing you stress that you can do something about and get started implementing your plan…today!

• Minimize time as best you can the time you MUST spend with the toxic people and situations in your life (Read my blog post on this very subject)

• Do a simple “Pros and Cons” / Good Stuff – Bad Stuff list for your job, your relationships, etc. Make sure that the Pros outweigh the Cons more often than the other way around….also think hard about the Cons and ask yourself if there’s not *something* you can do to get rid of them.  If the “cons” outweigh the “pros” repeatedly, it may be time for some tough, but needed decisions!

• Walk, work out at a gym, swim or whatever type of exercise you enjoy — just MOVE and do it often…Exercise is truly one of the best tranquilizers, de-stressors, pain killers and friends we have….stick with your exercise plan (make it doable and reasonable…even 10 minutes is a start and great for you!) for at least four weeks and then you should be hooked for life because of how much better you feel, look and handle life’s challenges.  Consider adding Yoga, Pilates and meditation to your busy lives.  Learn how to deep breathe correctly and do it often~  Even 1 minute of deep breathing can do wonders for us in the midst of our busy days (2 Minute Deep Breathing Audio)

• Remember: “Yesterday is a canceled check; tomorrow is a promissory note. Today is the *only* cash we have so we had best spend it wisely !!” (anonymous)

Prior Blog Post: Top 4 Tips for Managing Stress

Most of us would most likely agree that the stress, exhaustion and other fallout we suffer from toxic people can often stick with us long after the “exposure.”  So when we can’t avoid such situations and people altogether (always the preferred course of action!), it’s important that we at least minimize the negative effects.  This is important for many reasons with our mental health and the quality of our days being at the top of the list.  One way to do this is to prepare in advance a few constructive responses to the poisonous attitudes, remarks and looks of toxic folks.  This includes how we respond verbally with our words, physically with our body language and inwardly or how we let it affect us (and for how long).   Otherwise, we can get caught off guard even when we are  in those all too familiar negative situations we know from experience to expect with certain co-workers, relatives and other acquaintances.

Staying in the present moment is also critical to minimizing the stress caused by and harmful effects of negative people.  This means focusing on and truly living each moment at hand rather than remaining in the past or projecting too far into the future (i.e. brooding over past negative/toxic moments or fearing future ones).   Our efforts to successfully minimize and detoxify any negativity around us must be done with our full attention and confidence…neither of which can exist if we’re stuck mentally in the past or future.

Finally, we should ask ourselves often what personal habits or traits we should change or do differently.  Do we need an attitude adjustment, to rethink what our body language says with or without the help of our words?  And, what about how we speak — our tone — and choice of words?  A key question is what are we doing to fuel or enhance the toxicity of negative people?  Or worse, are we someone that others would describe as negative or toxic to be around?  It’s far easier to criticize what others are doing wrong than it is to identify, face and eliminate our bad habits or harmful ways of communicating.

Bottom line — before we can succeed at minimizing the stress brought upon us by toxic people, we must look into that painful mirror of truth, squarely face our need-to-improve characteristics and work hard on eliminating our own negative — maybe even toxic – attitudes and actions.  And, if we’re being brutally honest with ourselves, we all have plenty of room for improvement.

In summary:

• We should avoid toxic people or negative environments as best we can, but recognizing that isn’t always possible to do;
• We can decide and plan in advance how we are going to handle such moments constructively and proactively;
• By living and staying solidly in the present moment, we can reduce the stress caused by hanging onto past negative situations or fearing  more of the same in the future; and
• We should stay closely in touch with and minimize any negativity we may be bringing to the mix via our attitudes, actions, non-actions, tones or words

I love the saying (author unknown), “We can complain because rose bushes have thorns…or…rejoice because thorns have roses.”  We can complain endlessly about the stress caused by negative people in our lives or rejoice because we can take proactive and healthy steps to reduce the stress.

I believe strongly in the amazing results of each of these great “tools,” however, I must reread them often to ensure I am indeed taking advantage of what they offer in the midst of my busyness….it’s really amazing how often we ignore plain ol’ common sense “stuff” … but it always catches up with us when we do….okay…here they are, please savd a copy and re-read often and please share your additional top 3 or 4 stress management “tools” and tips via the comment section as well.

1. Make a list of 10-20 activities that you love to do (or would like to do one day) by yourself or with others.  Ask yourself: “How many of these favorite activities have I made time for in the past year?” If your answer is “Few or none and not often enough!”, then immediately make plans to do at least one of your favorite activities within two weeks or less.
2. Make a for-your-eyes-only list of all the things that cause you stress (big, small and in-between) … then cross out all the stresses that you have no control over (e.g. someone’s grating personality, rush hour traffic, etc.)  Next, make a mini-action plan for your top three stresses …this carry-in-your-pocket sized mini-action plan will include the steps you can/must take to eliminate or greatly diminish each stress listed….these won’t include the stresses we’ve listed, but truly have no control over changing….It will includes the ones that we can do something about.  Procrastination only heaps more stress on our plates (as we’ve all learned the hard way)….Be your own best friend and get started implementing your plan today!
3. Do a simple “Pros and Cons” / Good Stuff – Bad Stuff list for your job, your relationships, etc.  again (for your-eyes-only of course!).  After making and reviewing your list, ask yourself if the Pros outweigh the Cons more often than the other way around….also think hard about the Cons and ask yourself if there’s not something you can do to get rid of those negatives. And be mindful that if the “cons” outweigh the “pros” repeatedly, it may be time for some tough, but needed decisions.
4. Walk, work out at a gym, swim or whatever type of exercise you enjoy and can safely do — just MOVE and do it often…Exercise is truly one of the best tranquilizers, de-stressors, pain killers and friends we have….stick with your exercise plan (most important to make it doable and reasonable)…even 10 minutes is a start…commit to stick with your new exercise efforts for at least four weeks.  After the initial month or earlier,  you will most likely be hooked for life because of how much better you feel, look and are able to handle life’s challenges. Consider adding Yoga, Pilates and/or meditation to your busy lives. Personally, I incorporate 5-10 minute yoga sessions throughout the day…not an overwhelming commitment of time and I always return to my work or other activities feeling re-energized and far more relaxed.  Learn how to deep breathe correctly and do it often~ Even 1 minute of deep breathing can do wonders for us in the midst of our busy days.

In closing, one of my favorite sayings is: 

“Yesterday is a canceled check;

Tomorrow is a promissory note.

Today is the *only* cash we have so we had best spend it wisely !!” (anonymous)

Bottom line – We can keep burning ourselves out day in and day out or we can say, “Enough already!” and take full responsibility for our own mental and physical health.  If we are unwilling to do this then we should at least stop complaining about  the stresses in our lives (especially to others!) and be willing to accept any and all consequences that will ultimately result from burying our heads in the sand.  Thank goodness the choice is indeed ours to make.

Our Choice

Thanks as always for sharing a part of your day with LawBusinessTips.com.

Nancy

1. Having to carry that ol’ imaginary shovel around b/c of all the phoniness and BS in this ol’ world
2. Folks who are always late and who apologize (again and again) for their tardiness without any intention of acting on their empty apologies
3. Veneer people – no substance – the only thing that’s real is their fakeness (including religious hypocrites)
4. Relatives and “friends” who say ‘I care about you” when their repeated actions show just the opposite
5. Self-absorbed, me,me,me first people – why do so many of them think we don’t know that about them?!
6. Whiners – period!
7. Toxic personalities that ensure unpleasantness when around them and who leave a really bad taste in one’s mouth long after they’re gone
8. Doctors, lawyers and other professionals who talk down to others without ever really listening to what others say to them
9. Women who wouldn’t be caught dead looking less than perfectly (and unnaturally) made up, are scared to death of chipping their nail polish and who like to give we frumpier sorts a holier-than-thou once over (guess who’s more comfortable in their clothes and their skins!?!)
10. Overloading my schedule to burnout proportions…really irritating to know I did “this” to myself due to a failure to say “No” and poor planning

Top Ten Things That Energized Me  in 2009:

1. Exercise & healthier diet
2. Being around sincere people with positive attitudes
3. My consulting work, fantastic clients, and serving as a mediator helping to keep folks out of the courtroom, finding closure to conflict and moving on with their lives
4. Our 4-legged family members (5 beautiful horses, 9 heehawing donkeys, 3 Biiiigggg dogs, and 1 very tough cat)
5. Helping others especially when they didn’t know it
6. Inspirational stories of survival, perseverance, courage
7. Reading good books
8. Quiet, renewing stillness, time for nurturing my spirituality
9. The instant calming of the majesty of oceans and mountains
10. Being true to myself and hanging on tight to a positive attitude in spite of the endless parade of people and situations tempting me otherwise!

A very Happy New Year to all and my best wishes that 2010 brings you all that you need in good moments, health, lessons, strength and peace ~

Nancy

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know low morale = stressed employees = a lower quality of work product including more mistakes are made.  Management and leadership who fail to put a stop to workplace bullying of any sort often bury their heads even further in the sand these employees just happen to be major income producers.

Bottom line is this — if verbal violence and other bullying behaviors are not stopped in their tracks, there is an obvious absence of smart, effective and progressive leadership.  In my opinion, this makes leadership and management as guilty as the actual bullies are for causing the resulting and ongoing widespread negative effects.  Thanks for “listening” as always and let me know if you want me to tell you how I really feel!

All the Best,

Nancy

And as everyone knows, you have plenty of down time while sitting in a hospital or doctor’s waiting room.  You also have more than normal reading and people-watching time and moments of reflection (including self-reflection) that we may not normally carve out for ourselves.  You meet and talk with absolute strangers who also find themselves within the same hospital or clinic walls– walls that force-insulate us from the rushing around going on just short distances from where we sit .. and wait.  Five holiday related questions keep returning to my thoughts … finally, I realized why …. because they are questions worth my reflection and more important, corrective actions where needed. They include:

1. Why do so many people allow themselves to get so stressed out and down right exhausted each holiday season?  Why do we feel the need to accept every single holiday invitation we and our kids get and then jam up our days trying to do it all?  We complain about how commercial the holidays have become, but how many of us are active participants smack dab in the middle of evil commercialism’s target markets?  Are we willing to stop the “train” so to speak and if not, can we at least STOP complaining about holiday stress!?

2.  Why do we keep letting certain people get under our skin at family and office gatherings?  Worse, are we harboring the negativity from such unpleasant encounters long after they’re actually over?  If so, why … when we have the final say regarding who or who doesn’t get to affect our emotions.  Staying totally focused on the moment we’re living is an extremely effective way to move beyond these types of self-destructive old habits; habits that leave us wallowing in bad (and PAST!) memories and fretting over future (and unguaranteed) moments.

3. Why are we worrying about whether our gifts for others cost enough?  If our recipients are true friends and loving family members, they shouldn’t  care, should they? Then why do we fret

4. Are we celebrating anything other than our survival of yet another holiday season? If Christmas or Hanukah, for example, have religious significance to us, are we merely going through the motions of attending church or synagogue instead of truly taking the unhurried time to reflect upon, honor and celebrate these holy days?

5. Of all the gifts purchased so far, how many gifts of our time, ourselves have been shared this holiday season with the sick, the needy or the lonely? What about in-between our holiday seasons?

Thanks sharing a few minutes of your busy day with me.  I wish you good health, moments of stillness and healthy reflection and, of course, a very happy heart,

P.S. Just as I was putting final touches on this post, I got an unexpected “gift” which was a pleasant call from a not-so-pleasant acquaintance!  Will practice my own advice and celebrate and appreciate this truly rare moment indeed (see my “Holiday Health Check“ post on enjoying the happy moments and ignoring the yukky ones).

(1)  How do we feel…happy, relaxed or totally overwhelmed, bleary eyed and sleep deprived, no time to think?

(2)  Is part of this because we aren’t making the time for our normal exercise breaks, healthy eating and just pure decompression moments?

(3)  Do we have a good plan written down (and/or easily accessible in our mobile phone notes) so we can review it often for getting through the holidays sanely and happily instead of flat out exhausted and frustrated?

If not, mini-action plans can be huge “cheat sheets” for us and road maps to survival.  Such a plan can be as simple as listing your priorities and beside each of them, making a list of what needs to be done to complete it, by when and by whom.  And for all of us “list” people, it’s worth creating such a mini-action plan for the shear enjoyment alone of crossing out things as we get them done….you list folks know what I mean!

The time to make the holidays less stressful and exhausting is now…not after they’ve come and gone and we end up swearing (again) that next year will be different.  So, just like double-checking the progress of your work week’s priorities on Wednesday to ensure you’re “on schedule,” mid December is a great time to re-assess how we’re handling this year’s holiday frenzy.  If we’re not doing too well, then let’s cut the losses and rethink how we could improve things….not what others could do to make things better,….but what we can and will do to redirect ourselves in more positive directions.

Finally and in closing, you may want to check out my pre-Thanksgiving post, Celebrating Great Holiday Moments….Ignoring the Not So Great. It really is true that usually we don’t remember entire days, only moments of our lives….I hope you will take a moment right now to be brutally honest with yourself and think about how you are handling the holidays…are you  enjoying them or just barely surviving them? Are you spreading good cheer or leaving a trail of complaints and negatives behind you wherever you go?   Hopefully, you are enjoying the spirit and fun of the holidays to the fullest so far …but if not, now’s the best time for all of us to plug the leaks and regroup….When December 31 rolls around, I hope we can all say there were far more good holiday moments this year than not so good … thank goodness we’re in full control of our attitudes and actions because those two little “A” words determine the of quality of our moments during the holidays and every day!

Thanks for Visiting & Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, etc!

Nancy

The"Ends"

• Rules applied sporadically and unfairly among employees (e.g. starting time, length of lunch breaks, # of vacation days)
• An ongoing frantic pace — day after day — caused primarily by a supervisor’s poor planning and organizational skills … leadership should step in sooner than later to coach, train and/or mentor these folks….of which the legal profession and many others have a costly excess!
• Guilt trips over personal, sick or vacation time taken (see NBJ 2002 Lawyers USA column on how vacation policies …and attitudes… mirror a firm’s culture)
• Thinking that “real” lawyers always work a 60+ hour week and lacking the wisdom to understand that the most productive and satisfied employee lives a balanced and healthy life style (e.g. In addition to encouraging healthy behaviors, consider providing an exercise room for employees — even a small one with one treadmill and an aerobics workout video is better than none — and 10 minutes of exercise can rejuvenate energy levels far better than pouring on the caffeine)
• Frequent start/stops of promised (and needed) changes — too often not completing projects begun
• Allowing tensions or outright conflicts between partners or other employees to go unresolved for an unreasonable length of time (If they refuse to resolve their differences in a timely and responsible manner, firm leadership should mandate a resolution via the use of a firm ombudsman, mediator or the like — Every employee should have access to excellent resources such as Stewart Levine’s 2nd Edition of Getting To Resolution – eye-opening, thought-provoking and packed with simple and wise conflict resolution tips)
• Little or no constructive feedback given to employees in a timely manner
• Assuming staff have no personal plans after normal working hours and that they will always work overtime on short notice (the poison to morale of this culprit escalates in direct relation to poor planning and/or procrastination by supervising personnel)
• Acceptance by leadership of loud, abrasive, demeaning and other bully like behaviors
• A noticeable lack of common courtesies shown to employees (Good Morning greetings, showing appreciation, etc.)
• An absence of well deserved bonuses from cash to creative “Job Well Done” gifts (e.g. childcare fees paid for a week, dinner and other gift certificates, “free” personal days off, firm-wide recognition for achievements, etc.)
• Not holding regular staff meetings and if they are held, failing to give it our full, undivided attention (e.g. no looking at our watches or mobile phones, no shuffling of files around on our desks, etc.)
• Attorneys not taking the time to personally introduce staff members who will be working on the case to new clients
• Expecting top notch work quality produced at a 90 mph pace in spite of outdated equipment and software, unclear instructions, and/or insufficient training
• Romantic relationships between supervisors and subordinates giving the presumption — if not the actuality of –  unfair advantages for the participating employee
• Never (or too rarely) sending employees to appropriate work-related seminars or workshops for training and networking purposes
• Not providing the right kind and adequate amounts of training needed for new software, systems, etc.
• Talking negatively about employees (directly or within earshot) to other employees
• Failing to put an end to an employee’s chronically negative attitude either through mentoring, discipline or termination (firing should, of course, be the last resort after all other reasonable efforts to correct the situation)
• All work 24/7 day after day after day….Never making the time for non-work related group activities (e.g. sporting events, cookouts, community group volunteer projects)

A few Morale Boosters include:

• Not allowing any of the above morale busters or others to exist in your office; and …
• when they or other morale busters do occasionally show up, acting quickly and decisively to rid your office of these progress, morale and productivity thieves

Happy Weekend everyone and I hope you go into work on Monday ready to try out some new morale boosters! We all function far better in a positive environment regardless of our type of work, title or years of service.   As always, thanks for visiting my blog.

Nancy (& Jessie, our resident Tennessee Walker comedian!)

And so we must cherish all the good moments of our holidays and give them the highest priority in our memory banks. Better yet, after duly noting any lessons to be learned from our unpleasant life experiences, we benefit tremendously (mentally and physically) from assigning  our bad memories a permanent “time out” status.  In fact, deep breathing myself back into the present moment and living each one fully are among my most valuable stress management “tools.”  I count on these “tools” when I get stuck dwelling on painful past memories or unproductively worrying about the future.  Don’t get me wrong …. planning ahead wisely is a worthwhile endeavor….unproductive worrying, however, is costly.  It costs us the moments at hand, stress and usually resolves nothing … unproductive.

This familiar quote rings so true with me …..”We don’t remember days…we remember moments.” So with another holiday season upon us, I will be looking for and cherishing all the good moments that occur with family and friends and I will refuse to let the not-so-good ones dampen my spirits. How about you?

Nancy

Worse, it is demoralizing to be fussed at by doctors for not having sought medical assistance sooner…they look down at you with their parental-like “You know better” looks.  It stings even more when you know they are 100% correct!  Not to mention, if it’s sympathy you’re after…you get far less, if any, when you have made things worse from your poorly-thought-out delays in getting needed medical attention!

My intended primary point with today’s ramblings? Stop, don’t pass go to collect $200, immediately cease and desist from ALL your  excuses and  ASAP  get the medical check-ups or tests you may have been putting off. We know what we need to do.  In the extreme, your life could very well depend on it and the consequences of our procrastination – minor or major -  can dangerously increase over time.

Many of us are very experienced and quick to tell our clients, potential customers, family members, friends and others what THEY need to do.  And yet, at the same time, we are downright careless and — excuse me — plain stupid, regarding our personal health matters (myself included).  We lie to ourselves by saying that we don’t  have time to stop our busy lives to seek medical care or we don’t  like being the patient so we avoid it altogether (until we have no choice that is) and/or or we are just plain scared to know the truth.

Whether  a medical issue, self-improvement efforts are needed or both, we are indeed usually lots smarter than our over-rehearsed procrastinatory actions would indicate.  We’ve just allowed our common sense to become uncommon when it comes to taking care of ourselves.

Let’s allow our common sense to reign again, quit with the denials and excuses and become far more proactive (and timely!) when it comes to taking care of ourselves.  No, it’s not the “fun” part of this wonderful journey called life, but an essential one and we know it.

And finally, once we’ve gotten off our duffs and sought out the help needed, we must keep open minds and explore all the options out there as to how to “fix” whatever needs fixin’ (e.g. western medicine options, alternative medicine resources, a combination of the two, second/third opinions, etc.). Again, isn’t it common sense to be an educated and proactive part of our medical solutions?  Unless time is truly of an essence in a life and death situation, we probably shouldn’t accept the first pill, procedure or other option suggested.  We must be our own best friends and make the effort to educate ourselves about our condition, illness, etc., explore all of our options carefully, seek out multiple trusted opinions and then take the quiet time needed to decide on the best course of action for us.  Our final decision may not be what our friends or family members would do, but we must find the courage to do what we think is the right course of action.

Thanks for visiting.  May your busy week be filled with lots of heartfelt smiles in the midst of it all – — those given to you and those you share with others.

With smiles from my neck of the woods to yours,

Nancy